Finding God in this journey

Welcome visitor from to Getpregnantblog.com .

This frustrating and painfully long 8-year journey has certainly led me somewhere good – to God. Yes, I have cursed at him and expressed my confusion at his choices of whom to impregnate with great regularity. But over the past 6 months I have felt a great calling. And I am beginning to trust in the fact that God has a plan for us.

In this current era, we are taught that we are responsible for the life we live. That we can choose to work hard, and study hard and be good people in order to control the outcome of our lives. If we study hard, we will get good grades. If we work hard we will move up in our careers and feel accomplished and recognised. Similarly, when we embrace the ‘job’ of trying to conceive, we believe that we must do all the research and find the best doctors and all the techniques that might possibly help us to conceive. So we research not just traditional medicine but also holistic alternative medicine. We explore acupuncture and chiropractors and massage therapy and herbal therapy and we search out the best IVF clinics and do research on all the best IVF techniques – assisted hatching, ICSI, co-culture. We bombard our doctors with our research, being assertive and demanding to know why the latest cutting-edge technologies are not being use to help us conceive that precious baby.

We feel we must be as proactive as possible because if we do not we will fail and we will not conceive at all. Just like we must be proactive in the rest of our lives - seeking to take charge of our lives and ensure the best possible outcomes. And while it is important to be assertive and do our best in life, it is possible that we have confused this with the idea that if we do not do our very best then we will fail. But the truth is that there is a higher power.

And as tough as it is, I must learn to accept that God has a plan for our lives. And that He loves me more than I could possibly imagine and wants for me the absolute and complete best things which will bring me closer to him. He could not possibly love me less than I love my as-yet unborn children. Thus He will do what is best for me. Thus, His plan is better than mines. As hard as that is to accept, I am learning to slowly leave it up to Him. To slowly accept that even though it does not feel like it, right now the best thing for me and my dear husband is not to be pregnant. It pains me even to write that, which tells me just how far I am from accepting God’s Will for us.

But my reason tells me that I am exactly where I am meant to be if salvation is to be mines – for that is God’s ultimate desire and gift for me. And somehow I must relinquish my deep desire to control everything and my deep need to take charge and allow God to be in charge of my life. To begin to understand that I am exactly where God wants me to be for my own good. And that I will not be pregnant one second before it becomes the best moment for me to be pregnant.

So I will keep doing my best to get pregnant and doing my research and I will do my IVF but I will try more and more to accept that God is the one who will determine when and how and He will make that decision based on what is best for me, my dear husband and our precious baby.

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This entry was posted on Sunday, January 24th, 2010 at 8:00 pm and is filed under Fertility . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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